Devi Taylor

I think I’ve finally made it out of my whinging¹ phase. I don’t know. Sometimes I get in these moods where I complain about everything. Louis CK once said that everything is amazing and nobody is happy. That’s definitely been me the last few weeks and even I’m starting to get on my own nerves. So I’ve decided to change up the conversation to something a little less whingtastic.

I may have mentioned this once or twice, but I’m designing a video game called Keloryn: The Darkening (KTD). It’s a role playing game (RPG) that I’m creating using a program called RPGMaker VX ACE (RMVX ACE). This is a game development engine that’s basically a library of computer code (RGSS3) that’s been neatly packaged into a point and click interface. It was developed by Enterbrain specifically for programming noobs like me who want to make video games. I got this software in June 2012 and, after fiddling around with it for nearly a year, I have new respect for video game developers.

Making video games is hard.

Sometimes I feel like an object.

When I interact with other people, I don’t feel like I’m a real person to them. I often feel like I’m a set of metadata that the other person responds to based on his or her perceptions of that data. I don’t ever feel like people are seeing the real person standing before them. Instead, I am a pale shadow of the image they have built up of me in their minds.

A long time ago, a friend recommended that I read a series of books written by Miguel Ruiz. To say I was impressed with his philosophy of life is an understatement. His writing permanently changed the way I thought about the world and my position in it. His books and the movie “The Matrix” contributed greatly to my abandonment of organized religion and my current level of non-belief.

The book that really touched a raw nerve was “The Voice of Knowledge“. If you only have enough cash to buy one of Ruiz’s books, I highly recommend you spend it on this one. The first time I read this book, I sort of felt like Neo when he could suddenly see the matrix programming code all around him after he blew up Agent Smith. It’s truly amazing how domesticated we are in America. For all our talk of freedom, there is an enormous social structure in place designed specifically to keep us docile and unaware.

But that’s getting into tinfoil hat territory and I don’t want to go there right now.

I have given up the idea of posting on a daily or even weekly basis. In fact, on a near daily basis I find myself letting go of things I once thought were important.

Last month I closed down all of my websites. I had a dream of getting rich as an online marketer. My goal was to develop a strong stream of passive income that would support me while I pursued my real dream of writing books and developing video games. Unfortunately, I was doing too much and yet not nearly enough. I had about six sites targeting six different markets, but I wasn’t producing the content or doing the marketing needed to attract readers/customers. I felt overwhelmed by the amount of work that needed to be done and I was struggling with anxiety/depression that only seemed to get worse. In the end, I did nothing and missed the goal.

However, I’ve decided to try again. I gained a lot of knowledge and experience from that excursion into internet marketing, and I feel like I can really make it work this time round. Not only will I be doing things differently, I also have a different reason for pursuing this path.

I don’t want to get a job, and it’s not because I don’t want to work. I don’t mind working at all. When I’m not grappling with depression, I can put in the hours with the best of them. I’ve just decided I don’t want to leave my house anymore. The Japanese call it Hikikomori. I’m calling it Informed Agoraphobia.

So I was on the Cheezburger sites, which is my favorite place to visit in the Kingdom of the Internet, and came across this gem that perfectly describes how I feel most days:

In other news, I’ve just about completed the first chapter of my video game. I’ve got about 20 things left on my to-do list to complete, plus I have to finalize a few major things about the game play/game mechanics. I’m working on an update post with screenshots and story info. In the meantime, here is a five minute demo of the game. I made this video when I first started programming Keloryn: The Darkening, so much of it has changed but this will give you a general idea of what’s going on. I plan on making another video. If you want to be updated instantly when I upload it, subscribe to my YouTube channel or follow me on Twitter.

The quickest and easiest way to get people to do what you want is to get them to care about what you think.

It’s been awhile since I blogged, a little over six months to be exact. Well, there was that one blog post, but I’ve decided to put that on private for the time being. I’ve wanted to start blogging again for awhile, but I always put it off hoping for a day when I feel well. I suffer from depression and anxiety, which makes each day feel like I’m trapped on the Rollercoaster of Wangst. I get up every day hoping THIS will be the day when I feel awesome, only to have the ride attendant say, “Nope. You get to go round the track one more time! Isn’t this fun?”

I’ve decided to give up on waiting for the day when I feel okay and to just accept this as my normal. I find that if I can simply accept reality as it’s, it is easier for me to adapt and develop coping skills. So I’m forcing myself to blog, and thankfully I have something interesting to write about. Well, interesting to me anyway. YMMV.

I don’t venture into the public sphere much. I’m more of a homebody, and I prefer to observe rather than participate. I do belong to a few online communities (Pinterest, Twitter, RPGMaker Forum), but it’s hit or miss if I engage with other people. I haven’t found a place where I feel comfortable, but there is also a part of me that is afraid of offending people (more on this in a moment).

Last night, though, I decided to participate in a trending, race-based topic on Twitter. I should have stayed away. In my time on Earth I have learned that even the most innocuous thing invites the worst vitriol if it contains a racial element, and this Twitter trending topic was no different. Think lots of racial epithets and stereotypes thrown in from people outside of the ethnicity. Spoof tags popped up. You know, the usual Internet trolling.